Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Defenseless Woman vs. Thug with Boxcutter

(like I have to tell you how this one turns out)

Today's installment in the ever-popular series of Massachusetts Gun Control Success Stories comes from Beverly, Massachusetts, a relatively peaceful town 25 miles or so north of Boston. Now, class, please prepare your dead horses for a little workover.

Man Sought After Assault, Store Robbery

BEVERLY, Mass. -- Beverly police are searching for a suspect in the assault on a store clerk during a robbery.

Wait! I got it! It's so obvious! We need to pass a law to close all convenience stores in Massachusetts by 8:00 PM. Their staying open so late is the reason they're always getting robbed, right?

NewsCenter 5's Jim Boyd reported that the incident happened at the Lil' Peach at 157 Essex St. at about 2:30 p.m. Sunday.

Oh...never mind. Well, this story just goes to show that it's far too easy in Massachusetts for anyone to just waltz into a gun shop and buy a gun, thereby instantly transforming themselves into violent criminals, right?

A man entered the store, assaulted the 32-year-old clerk, and locked her in a storage closet. The clerk suffered slash wounds from a box cutter on her neck and hands.

Hmmmm. Give me a minute here, folks. Massachusetts' "common-sense" gun control laws work, and I can prove it. Really.

"I understand that she was beaten up and that she was cut -- a couple of lacerations that were not too deep that required her to stay at the hospital," neighbor Kevin Andrews said.

Ah ha! See, I told you so! She survived the attack! Gun control saved her life.

[insert delusional gun-grabber trumpet fanfare here]

Besides, if she had a gun and knew how to use it, than this poor, misguided child might have been hurt, or even killed. Then we'd never be able to determine which aspect of our evil capitalistic society was responsible for his moral shortcomings. So, you see, gun control saved two lives in this instance.

But, if this story proves one thing, it's that the best way to fight violent crime in our communities is to install massive networks of surveillance cameras all around us, so the government can track our every move, thereby deterring those who might otherwise seek to do us harm. You know, just like they did in London, when they prevented those terrorists from blowing up those commuter trains.

The incident was caught on video surveillance tapes.


Again, I'm compelled to ask. Do those sound like the one of the most ridiculous attempts at formulating a rational argument you've ever heard?

Yeah? It does? No shit, tell me about it.