Thursday, September 29, 2005

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Let me count the ways.

There's simply too much blog-worthy material in this one article to work with right now. So, in the interest of actually being a productive member of society today, I'll give you only a few choice paragraphs here.

On Cape, evacuee gives birth to a son and a new dream

FALMOUTH -- The gradually dwindling population of evacuees at Camp Edwards was boosted by one new member yesterday. He weighs 6 pounds 9 ounces and has velvet-soft ears.

"Velvet-soft ears"? Has anybody ever heard that phrase used to describe something other than a puppy? With that last sentence, we have witnessed the most accurate piece of reporting ever to appear on the pages of the Boston Globe, whether intentional or not.

His name is Cape Cod Bannister, or "C.C." for short.

I apologize for going off on a bit of a tangent here, but the wife and I were looking at a custom woodworking catalog last night, trying to decide on a new stair railing for the front stairs. I think we're going with the Cape Cod banister.

Perched on her hospital bed, a blue plastic cross hanging from her neck, White tells of a life of hardship. She had her first baby at age 15, and by 18 she had four children.

A life of "hardship"? Through no fault of your own, I suppose. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that up until now, you've had the life of a 24-hour sperm depository for every donor who knocked on your door.

Even when she tried birth control, she said she still got pregnant, because she did not always take her medication.

What? You let guys screw you at will without using birth control, and you still kept getting knocked up after living such a responsible, self-respecting life? I'm stunned. What are the odds?

White intends to start her life over in Massachusetts where, she says, "everyone treats you with love."

Welcome to Massachusetts, home of the most liberal welfare requirements in the nation. I wonder how much more love the government will be looking to extract from my paycheck now.

Monteiro said that two houses, one in Hingham and one in Boston, are being considered for White's family.

Come on, people, work harder! We've got a house to buy.

"We have never, ever, all of us been together," White said, "So, that's my dream, a nice big old house in Boston. And all 13 of my children."

I'm getting depressed just thinking about how the hard-working taxpayers of Massachusetts will be subsidizing your "nice big old house" for you and your litter while I continue living paycheck to paycheck with my wife and kids in my not-so-big house in Boston.

Where's my disability check?