Thursday, December 30, 2004

Excuse me, Abdul, you dropped something.

Commish wants your help in fighting terror: Top cop out to clean up city

Enlisting neighborhood crime fighters in the war against terror and turning the tide on a homicide wave will have Police Commissioner Kathleen O'Toole's undivided attention in the coming year.


Yeah, as cool as that might sound, I'm predicting little success on this front. Reason #347: it is illegal for Massachusetts residents to possess a slingshot. Our Attorney General (and governor wanna-be, Tom Reilly, put them, along with Chinese throwing stars and other "killing machines", on the state's list of banned "dangerous weapons", and even went so far as to direct the local Toys R' Us stores take the plastic toy slingshots off the shelves. Must have been that rash of drive-by throwing star and slingshot attacks a few years ago. Oh, the horror.

Hey, stop rolling your eyes! I'm trying to be serious here. Let's read on, shall we?

Eighteen of the city's 64 homicide victims to date this year were teenagers or younger - more than a fourth. The majority of those murdered - 49 - were shot to death, though overall gun-related crime was down 8 percent from last year at the end of October.


Ever notice how when the gun-related crime rate goes down, it will be held up like a great beacon of victory, highlighting the success of our draconian "common-sense" gun control measures. But if the gun-related crime rate goes up, it means that gun control works, we just need to do more of it. Trust us, we're from the government and we're here to help.

Besides, it's clearly the fault of the neighboring states where the guns are coming from in massive waves to flood the streets of our inner cities. Funny how the streets of Lincoln, Weston, and Sudbury never seem to be awash with illegal firearms. You'd think they'd be everywhere.

Now if only these uneducated, bible-thumping, AshKKKroft-loving, redneck states (like Vermont) would just follow our lead, then we could finally realize our dreams of creating the ultimate Utopian la-la land, where you could drive your Prius into Southie and park wherever you wanted, even if you didn't shovel out that parking space.

You see, that's the beauty of gun control. It works no matter what. Logical thinkers need not apply.