File Under "No Other State ___________"

When they're not busy debating the pros and cons of mandating the use of paper toilet seat covers in the Commonwealth, the Massachusetts General Court is hard at work, tackling other important issues of the day, such as changing the rules of sporting activities through "common-sense" legislation.

Soccer Helmet Bill Kicked Around On Beacon Hill

Helmets for soccer players?

A bill being heard on Beacon Hill Wednesday would make it the law in Massachusetts.

Inmate #1: What are you in for?
Inmate #2: You don't wanna know.

The Boston Globe says the original bill called for a ban on heading, but was changed to require helmets instead.

Why not reduce the number of foot injuries by banning the use of feet in soccer?

Supporters of the bill say helmets would also protect players from head injuries suffered in collisions with other players, or with goalposts.

Ban goalposts!

But why stop there? Let's ban going outside altogether. It would dramatically reduce the rate of fatal skin cancer in the Commonwealth caused by over-exposure to sunlight - not to mention meteorite fatalities.

And sharp pointy things like pencils and toothpicks? Don't get me started!

And this closing paragraph is sure to shock you.

No other state has such a law.

Yes, but then again, no other state is as "progressive" as Massachusetts.

I need a drink.