24 - The Morning After
Episode 14: 8:00 PM to 9:00 PM
Bruce's Five-Point Review
1. Ok, I'll say it. Someone has to.
Jack Bauer is a pussy.
What's the deal, Jack? Just because she's, like, all hot and stuff, she doesn't get the full Jack Bauer interrogation? Hot terrorist broads get immunity, and it's eyeballs and kneecaps for everyone else? Is that how it is now?
Fuck that. Let's review.
You took a lamp cord to your girlfriend's husband last season, and he was innocent, ferchrissakes!
You handcuffed a guy to his car and broke his fingers for just a tiny bit of information.
You were ready to gouge Walt Cummings' freaking eyeballs out with a knife.
I've lost count of the number of time you've jammed your thumb into assorted terrorist scumbags' gunshot wounds in the past.
Christ, Jack, you shot Henderson's wife in the leg, and she wasn't all that bad-looking?
And, spare me the "we don't have time" argument. She would have talked in a heartbeat. As soon as the clippers touched a strand of her hot silky hair, she'd have squealed like a pig. Hell, you wasted hours pumping Henderson full of drugs, and you KNEW he wouldn't talk.
But, noooooo. Put some hot slutty-looking terrorist chick in front of you and you go all French on us, man - just like last year. What gives? You wouldn't even put her in handcuffs when you took her into custody, you wuss. Afraid you might hurt her delicate little wrists?
What if she were ugly, Jack, huh? Or old? Or a dude? Fuck you and your double standards, you sexist pig!
2. However...
I could easily be persuaded to give you one more chance to redeem yourself. You work over Audrey next week to get everything out of her and all will be forgiven. She's nowhere near as hot as the little bimbo you got all gushy on.
3. That dipshit DHS guy fell for the old "Oops, I spilled coffee on your crotch" trick. What a retard. And, since when is it OK to drink coffee at your workstation? Even fat (and dead) Edgar had his coffee and donuts in the break room.
Oh yeah. They're going on DHS protocols now. They probably got workstation coffee and donut breaks as a result of their most recent bargaining agreement.
4. I've got the perfect way for CTU to get of the immunity deal they cut with Jack's new girlfriend there. Assuming there was no immunity offered for violation of California state law, and seeing as she was carrying a concealed weapon at the time of her arrest, I say lock her up on the gun charge and let the ladies of the California Institution for Women take care of her.
Oh, and please film that.
5. And, please, if there isn't going to be a single kill in an episode, can we dispense with the "graphic violence" warning at the beginning of the show? Was there any? Watching the replay of Hobbit-boy gurgling up a little nerve gas vomit hardly counts.
Bruce's Five-Point Review
1. Ok, I'll say it. Someone has to.
Jack Bauer is a pussy.
What's the deal, Jack? Just because she's, like, all hot and stuff, she doesn't get the full Jack Bauer interrogation? Hot terrorist broads get immunity, and it's eyeballs and kneecaps for everyone else? Is that how it is now?
Fuck that. Let's review.
You took a lamp cord to your girlfriend's husband last season, and he was innocent, ferchrissakes!
You handcuffed a guy to his car and broke his fingers for just a tiny bit of information.
You were ready to gouge Walt Cummings' freaking eyeballs out with a knife.
I've lost count of the number of time you've jammed your thumb into assorted terrorist scumbags' gunshot wounds in the past.
Christ, Jack, you shot Henderson's wife in the leg, and she wasn't all that bad-looking?
And, spare me the "we don't have time" argument. She would have talked in a heartbeat. As soon as the clippers touched a strand of her hot silky hair, she'd have squealed like a pig. Hell, you wasted hours pumping Henderson full of drugs, and you KNEW he wouldn't talk.
But, noooooo. Put some hot slutty-looking terrorist chick in front of you and you go all French on us, man - just like last year. What gives? You wouldn't even put her in handcuffs when you took her into custody, you wuss. Afraid you might hurt her delicate little wrists?
What if she were ugly, Jack, huh? Or old? Or a dude? Fuck you and your double standards, you sexist pig!
2. However...
I could easily be persuaded to give you one more chance to redeem yourself. You work over Audrey next week to get everything out of her and all will be forgiven. She's nowhere near as hot as the little bimbo you got all gushy on.
3. That dipshit DHS guy fell for the old "Oops, I spilled coffee on your crotch" trick. What a retard. And, since when is it OK to drink coffee at your workstation? Even fat (and dead) Edgar had his coffee and donuts in the break room.
Oh yeah. They're going on DHS protocols now. They probably got workstation coffee and donut breaks as a result of their most recent bargaining agreement.
4. I've got the perfect way for CTU to get of the immunity deal they cut with Jack's new girlfriend there. Assuming there was no immunity offered for violation of California state law, and seeing as she was carrying a concealed weapon at the time of her arrest, I say lock her up on the gun charge and let the ladies of the California Institution for Women take care of her.
Oh, and please film that.
5. And, please, if there isn't going to be a single kill in an episode, can we dispense with the "graphic violence" warning at the beginning of the show? Was there any? Watching the replay of Hobbit-boy gurgling up a little nerve gas vomit hardly counts.
