I Have But One Simple Wish
Customer subdues robber with applesauce
The first paragraph, alone, is enough to put a smile on anyone's face (with the possible exception being the scumbag getting his skull beaten in).
PHILADELPHIA --A customer at a city grocery tackled an armed robber and beat him with a can of applesauce when he refused to drop his gun, police said.
But, like a fine wine, this story gets better with time - mainly, the four seconds it takes you to get to the next paragraph.
The suspect shot himself in the head during the struggle, and passed out after the 66-year-old customer administered four blows to the head with the Mott's applesauce.
Rule #1: Don't bring this guy to a gunfight.
The suspect, 23-year-old Thomas Reyes, was in stable condition at a hospital, and was expected to be charged with attempted murder, attempted robbery and other charges, authorities said.
Alas, no Darwin Award (this time around) for the little choirboy/budding hip-hop artist/doting father (choose two). But don't throw away those betting slips just yet. I suspect we haven't heard the last of this young rocket scientist.