Thursday, June 12, 2008

Is This the End of My Rope?

When John McCain joined forces with Russ Feingold a few years back, and took a big piss on the First Amendment by passing a law restricting political speech in the days and weeks leading up to an election, I thought "What a jackass!"

Then, about a year later, when he and Teddy Kennedy decided to take a runny dump all over the sanctity of American citizenship and the concept of national sovereignty, I thought, "Well, there goes that jackass McCain again."

Then one day, said asshole decided to run for president. I thought, "No worries, there'll be other candidates to choose from. Run, Fred, run!"

But, now I had to ask myself, "What if this guy gets the nomination?" Given the choice of voting for McCain or Hillary Clinton, the presumed Democratic nominee at the time, I thought, "Well, I guess I'd be holding my nose and voting for McCain." After all, anything would be better than putting that socialist wench back in the White House.

Then I hear him give a speech one day, sounding like he was reading from one of the Reverend Al Gore's pamphlets from the Church of Man-Made Global Warming, and telling us we all need to give in to a whole host of governmental regulations and personal lifestyle changes to save the planet from burning up...or freezing to death...or whatever.

I though, "Aw, shit, please don't let this jerkoff win the nomination." But, at the same time, I had to tell myself, "OK, given the choice between him and Hillary (or this Obama guy who was starting to raise a ruckus), I suppose I could hold my nose and wear a Tyvek suit to protect against MCain cooties, and vote for the guy. After all, anything would be better than putting either of those socialist boobs in the White House. Right?

So, the weeks and months pass.

Fred Thompson's campaign implodes.

I realize that none of the entrees left on the buffet table really look all that appetizing, but hey, anything's better than putting Clinton or Obama in charge, right?

I mean, how bad could a Huckabee presidency really be?

Well, I never got a chance to work that one out in my head, as McCain managed to pull enough primary victories out of his ass and knock Huckabee and Romney out of the race.

So, now that McCain's got the nomination wrapped up, what does he do? He goes and takes a dump all over the concept of free market-based capitalism, and starts talking about how the federal government needs to do something about regulating how much money some people working in the private sector should be allowed to earn.

But, I do what I'd always done. I look at the alternative and say, "OK, I guess I can hold my nose, don a protective suit, vote for McCain, and spray myself with an industrial strength disinfectant afterward. After all, anything would be better than seeing Clinton or Obama in the Oval Office. I mean, come on, Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama? I don't think so.

By now, I've all but sold my soul to Satan, and flushed the last of my principles down the toilet. But I gotta do what I gotta do. Right?

Wait, what's that, you say?

McCain just came out saying he'd be willing to look at imposing a so-called windfall profits tax on American oil companies? A move that would inevitably make it more expensive to produce oil and gasoline, and drive the price of gas up well past the current price of four-plus dollars a gallon?

And, he's flat-out opposed to actually going after the oil WE ALREADY HAVE in the ground, right here in the United States of (what I fondly remember as once being) America???????

Well, damn, that would increase the supply of oil! Don't do that! I like skimping on my daughters' birthday presents, and eating leftover pasta all the time. In fact, if gas could make it to the $8-a-gallon mark before year's end, I'd be so freaking ecstatic, not even a stack of Helen Thomas swimsuit pics could make my happiness subside!

Damn, I'm glad we've defeated all our real enemies abroad, so we can finally go after these evil corporations who hire thousands upon thousands of American citizens and pay billions upon billions in tax dollars to the federal government.

Drive those fascists into the ground!

Saudi oil workers need jobs too!

JESUS CHRIST, this senile old prick is really trying my patience!

But, what the hell? Give me the Tyvek suit. Sew my nose shut. Empty a bottle of Clorox on my head. Submerge me in a vat of Lysol. Election day's coming up.

And, oh yeah, tell Satan I hope he enjoys what's left of my soul.


I mean, anything would be better than watching President Obama nominate Hillary Clinton to a spot of the Supreme Court and appoint that scumbag ambulance chaser, John "Look at my humongous mansion!" Edwards, as the country's Attorney General, right?



Screw this. I need a drink.

[pauses to drink eight cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon]

There, I think I've calmed down some.

I still think McCain's a complete piece of crap, but anything's better than...


What's that newspaper you're waving in front of my face?

Gimme that.

Oh, that's real nice.

McCain's now saying he wouldn't rule out Michael Bloomberg as a possible running mate? Are you kidding me? We are talking about the same Michael Bloomberg here, right? Michael Bloomberg, the very embodiment of the Nanny State? The same Michael Bloomberg who has made it his life's mission to bury the firearms industry under mountains of costly litigation?

And, McCain doesn't have the sack to say "No way!" when asked if he'd put that authoritarian bunglerocket on the ticket???

He must have finally deluded himself into thinking he's sitting so high on the hog here that can tell the country's gun owners to go screw themselves in such a manner.

Screw him.

I won't even call him senile at this point, as that would be an insult to senile people.

If you're looking for me on election day, I'll be at the range, with my soul restored and perfectly intact, burning through Winchester white boxes like nobody's business.

Anything would be better than casting a vote in support of either of these a**clowns.

Obligatory caveat (and you'd best be listening, you "maverick" meathead): If McCain pulls his head out of his wayward backside long enough to select a running mate who actually believes in the principles of limited government, lower taxes, a free market economy, border security, and respect for our Second Amendment rights, I may just dust off the Tyvek suit and grab a clothespin for my nose when election day rolls around.

Otherwise, he's on his own.

Consider my earlier McCain endorsement "suspended".