Saturday, January 10, 2009

Dear Jack...

As much as I tried to quit you in the past, I find myself just one day away now from getting into a relationship that I know I may come to regret. But, after looking back on all the good memories of years gone by, I have decided to give you ONE MORE CHANCE.

But, like any relationship, ours must have boundaries - a set of preconditions, if you will. Here's what I expect of you over the next few months.

1. I had better see the dead bodies start piling up in the first half-hour or I'm walking. If that means you have to leap out of your chair, lunge across the hearing room, and kill Senator Red Forman with your tieclip, so be it.

Thirty minutes.

I'll be timing you.

2. This is the 21st century, and it's high time you started treating all people equally, with no regard to gender, race, creed, or sexual orientation. Hot terrorist chicks in revealing outfits are still terrorists. That shit about torturing and killing the guy terrorists, and then getting all soft and diplomatic-like on the cute girl terrorists has got to stop.

Equal pay for equal work, man.

3. Speaking of women, I still haven't forgiven you for dumping Diane the redheaded MILF for that witch Audrey. If I see that pale sack of bones make even the slightest of cameo appearances, we're through.

I don't even want to here her name spoken aloud. In fact, if you ever feel the need to refer a situation as "odd", please choose as a replacement a synonym that isn't a syllable of Audrey. Likewise, please refrain from using the words "rains", "reigns", and "reins".

That is all.

For now.

(see the 24 Season 7 trailer here)


p.s. If I find out, after watching tonight, that they only reason the show's called "24" is because the writers did little more than recycle the plot lines from Die Hard installments #2 and #4, as the trailers seem to show, I'm walking.

It was bad enough watching John McClane adhere to the guidelines set out in Jack Bauer's book "How to Ineffectively Deal With Smoking Hot Terrorist Chicks" in the last Die Hard movie. You don't need to the return the favor.