Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween!

Let's get one thing straight.

I'm not screwing around anymore.

If you're a kid looking to knock on my door tonight, expecting piles of free candy and shit, be warned. There will be a new set of rules in play this evening. The first two - and most important - new rules are as follows:

RULE #1: Wear a Friggin' Costume!

Do I look like a god-damn welfare office? Nothing's free, my friends. If you are one of the 15-year-old losers that showed up on my front porch last year without even the slightest hint of a costume on, there will be no candy for you - Mr. Nice Guy is on sabbatical this year. Instead, you will receive a small pack of low-sodium, fat-free pretzels.

Got a problem with that? Go screw.

It's simple, wear a costume that shows a modicum of planning and preparation on your part, and great riches await you. I've loaded up on 20-pound duffel bags of candy from Costco, and it'll all be flying out the door tonight, provided you play along.

RULE #2: Parents, Don't Disarm Your Children!

Pirates without cutlasses, soldiers without M-16's, police officers without sidearms, and swordless Zorro's will have their candy allotment reduced significantly. Sorry, kids, but you'll have to take it up with your sissy parents. It's my house, my rules.

Conversely, the children of parents who allow them to carry their weapons of doom and destruction will be showered with all sorts of unhealthy, rot-your-teeth-out crap.

These rules (to be amended as necessary, as the day progresses) will be strictly enforced tonight, and all decisions of the judges (that's me) are final.

OK, I know it's hard sometimes to come up with a good, scary Halloween costume every year, so I have decided to help you all out in that regard. Click HERE for my free costume kit, guaranteed to scare the piss out of any real American you might encounter tonight.

Stay safe, kids.

Amendment #1: I'm offically adopting Rule #4 from Phelps:

Rule #4: Say "Trick or Treat"

If you shove a bag at me and act like you are entitled to the product of my work, you will be sadly mistaken. If your child is too young to manage anything resembling "trick or treat", then you should say it for them. And don't let language be an excuse. I'm not grading pronunciation or enunciation. Just effort. "Treekor Tree" works for me. Especially if you roll one of the Rs. That always cracks me up. Laughing rednecks give more candy.

Parents, this is just plain manners. It is your job to teach your kids this crap. Just like it is your job to teach them to say Sir and Ma'am and Thank You. If they don't, you failed.