When Bingo is Outlawed...
...only outlaws will play bingo.
Sorry, Millie, but you're going to have to get a state-issued License to Bingo. Now, go get in line with the rest of the old folks there to sign up for a State Police Bingo Safety Course. Then get in the van and head on down to the chief of police and apply for your Bingo License ($100 and valid for four years). Once you've been photographed and fingerprinted the police will conduct a background check to determine if you're a suitable candidate for playing Bingo in Massachusetts. If approved, and if the chief feels like issuing you a permit, you will be called in 45 days and notified your permit is ready to be picked up.
Be warned though, this permit will allow for non-high-capacity Bingo playing only. Any attempt to play multiple cards at one time will be cause for revocation of your permit. Nobody NEEDS to play more than one bingo card simultaneously. This "rapid fire" bingo is the leading cause of nursing home deaths in the country [1].
Further, if you are going to travel to a neighboring town to play bingo, you must secure your bingo equipment in the trunk of the car, not on your person. Anyone found in violation of State Bingo Licensing Laws will have his or her "Matlock" privileges revoked indefinitely.
[1] Source: "The East Vassalboro Bingo Massacre" by Michael Moore, Asshelmet Publishing, 2004
I still think the purple pen concept below is still the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The Bingo Ban is running a very close second.
Residents of a Canton elderly housing complex are up in arms over a management decree outlawing bingo games on weeknights and weekends.
"I thought this was a free country," said Millie Ryan, 79, a legally blind woman who cherished her Monday and Wednesday night games at Hagan Court.
Sorry, Millie, but you're going to have to get a state-issued License to Bingo. Now, go get in line with the rest of the old folks there to sign up for a State Police Bingo Safety Course. Then get in the van and head on down to the chief of police and apply for your Bingo License ($100 and valid for four years). Once you've been photographed and fingerprinted the police will conduct a background check to determine if you're a suitable candidate for playing Bingo in Massachusetts. If approved, and if the chief feels like issuing you a permit, you will be called in 45 days and notified your permit is ready to be picked up.
Be warned though, this permit will allow for non-high-capacity Bingo playing only. Any attempt to play multiple cards at one time will be cause for revocation of your permit. Nobody NEEDS to play more than one bingo card simultaneously. This "rapid fire" bingo is the leading cause of nursing home deaths in the country [1].
Further, if you are going to travel to a neighboring town to play bingo, you must secure your bingo equipment in the trunk of the car, not on your person. Anyone found in violation of State Bingo Licensing Laws will have his or her "Matlock" privileges revoked indefinitely.
[1] Source: "The East Vassalboro Bingo Massacre" by Michael Moore, Asshelmet Publishing, 2004
I still think the purple pen concept below is still the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The Bingo Ban is running a very close second.
