It's Contest Time!

***** POST UPDATED - WE HAVE A WINNER *****

Well, it's shaping up to be not so bad a day after all. So, David Ortiz came in second place in the AL MVP ballotting to Gay-Rod. I can live with that. At least he didn't help his team lose a seven-game series after going up 3-0.*

I just finished cleaning the Ruger from yesterday's very satisfying trip to the range and my hand's still have that distinctive aroma of feedom about them (Hoppe's No.9).

And, speaking of hands, I've got one wrapped around a nice cold Harpoon Ale. What could be better than this? Well, how about looking at the pile of mail from today and seeing this?



Behold, the prize.**

But, what's the contest, you ask? You are going to proofread my hate mail for me. Well, not exactly hate "mail", per se, as this appeared in the comments to one of my many "Stupid Dead Kids" posts, but you get the idea.

The rules are simple: Count up the spelling, punctuation, and usage errors in the charming little missive below - presented unedited, in its entirety. Here's an example to set you on the right path.***

fuck u asshole. im gonna kill u

becomes...

(F)uck (you)(,) asshole. (I)(')m (going to) kill (you)(.)

Answer: 8

Simple enough? Have fun.

listen i am alex girlfriend the mother of his chilldren he was the perfict father and man he made a simple misake and his life was lost i am mourning of him and my 2 children are to u need to get a new topic to speak about if not i will find out who u are and take care of u because u didnt no them personally so there 4 u shouldnt judge them and the rest of u need grow up u act like u never did the same shit but i dont wanna c this no more if i have to i will have ur sight shut down our families have gone through enough in the last few months we dont need this shit

*Just so you know, the statute of limitations for mentioning that will never expire - not as long as I'm still drawing breath, anyway.

** Only Massachusetts residents (US citizens or legal resident aliens) will be eligible to win the sticker. Though, all are encouraged to enter- if, for nothing else, than for the sheer fun of ridiculing illiterate lunatics.

*** Contest will remain open through Friday (11/18). In the event of a tie, the prize will go to the earliest received entry. And, as always, decision of the judges, that's me, is final.

UPDATE: 64*

(L)isten(,) (I) am (A)lex('s) girlfriend (and) the mother of his (children)(.) (H)e was the perf(e)ct father and man(.) (H)e made a simple mis(t)ake and his life was lost(.) (I) am mourning (of) him(,) and my (two) children are(,) (too)(.) (You) need to get a new topic to speak about(.) (I)f not(,) (I) will find out who (you) are and take care of (you)(,) because (you) didn(')t (know) them personally(.) (S)o(,) there(fore)(,) (you) shouldn(')t judge them(,) and the rest of (you) need (to) grow up(.) (You) act like you never did the same shit(.) but (I) don(')t (want to) (see) this (any)more(.) (I)f (I) have to(,) (I) will have (your) (site) shut down(.) (O)ur families have gone through enough in the last few months(.) (W)e don(')t need this shit(.)

The prize goes to behump, as he was the only Massachusetts resident to submit an offical entry (and he still beats out the "<100" entries). Both Carter and Eric von Michigan were close, but not eligible to win the prize.

* Your mileage may vary - decision of the judges is final.