Self Defense for Liberals (cont.)
In light of the recent incidents that have been reported in the River St area of Mattapan, we'd like to remind city residents of steps you can take to enhance your
dependence on the state to provide for yourpersonal safety.
So, what exactly can a good Massachusetts liberal do to defend him-or-herself while walking through the most dangerous neighborhoods in Meningrad?
Wear sneakers if possible for extra mobility.
Remember, when "Cower and Pray" fails, you might have to resort to "Run away and scream your head off".
Hold your car keys in your hand to use as a weapon against an attacker.
Your keys will also double as a convenient jingle-jangly noisemaker when you're running away from your assailant (see above item), allowing him to track you more easily in the dark.
And remember, kids, you should never carry a handgun for the purpose of defending yourself, because your attacker will simply take it from you and use it against you. But, carrying your car keys as a defensive weapon? Why, there's no way anyone could possibly disarm and overpower you then!
Carry a cell phone with you.
So the authorities can help the coroner triangulate onto your position for the purposes of corpse retrieval. No one wants to stumble across your lifeless body in an alleyway some hot, humid summer morning after half a day's worth of decomp.
Believe that if an unarmed attacker confronts you, you may be able to scare, distract, or even incapacitate the person enough to escape.
Translation #1: Believe that if an unarmed attacker confronts you, you may be able to scare, distract, or even incapacitate the person enough to escape, provided you don't actually have an effective weapon on you that would best enable you to do just that.
Translation #2: Believe that if an armed attacker confronts you, you're summarily fucked.
And, if all else fails, you can always write to City Hall and request that the city assigns you your own personal, 24-hour-a-day, armed chauffeur/bodyguard (on the taxpayers' nickel, of course). That's the first step our fearless mayor took toward "enhancing his personal safety", anyway.