24 - The Morning After
Episode 13: 7:00 PM to 8:00 PM
Bruce's Five-Point Review
1. Episode #13 sure proved to be unlucky for a lot of folks 'round CTU.
Today's Top Story: Ding-dong, the hobbit is dead!
Sorry, Sam. Gandalf ain't coming by anytime soon with some kind of mutant eagle the size of a Winnebago to fly your sorry hobbit ass back to the Shire. Tough breaks, buddy. Say hi to your dead junkie sister for us.
For the record, I can live with Lynn going out in a blaze of patriotic sacrifice and valor. I mean, it was his fucking fault the nerve gas got into CTU in the first place. Taking a Centox nap for the team was the LEAST he could do.
But, killing off Tony??? You BASTARDS!!!
2. And, lending credence to the old adage, "When it rains, it pours.", it now looks like the Department of Homeland Security will be taking over control of all CTU operations.
Well, isn't that fucking great? We saw how well it worked the last time a suit was sent in to run things (see point #1).
Can we expect the fine folks at TSA to take over the security screening checkpoint at the front door now? OK, so it's not like they'd do any worse a job than the retired Wal-Mart security guards in the red shirts, but still.
And, if that meddling bitch from Homeland Security even thinks about shitcanning Chloe, there's gonna be trouble.
3. Nice work by Henderson, snapping out of that coma there.
Two words, people: WRIST RESTRAINTS!
Be sure to buy his new book - "How to Fake a Drug-Induced Coma (While Actually Being Drug-Induced) in Six Easy Steps". Impress your friends! Great for cocktail parties. Available now through amazon.com or at your favorite local bookstore.
4. I gotta ask. Does the hood actually help Jack make his way around in the dark better, or is some Obi-Wan "thing", which I have no business questioning?
5. OH, MY GOD! Terrorists have just released deadly, corrosive nerve gas (which apparently has no effect on human skin) inside CTU! Quick, someone call a clinical psychologist!
Bruce's Five-Point Review
1. Episode #13 sure proved to be unlucky for a lot of folks 'round CTU.
Today's Top Story: Ding-dong, the hobbit is dead!
Sorry, Sam. Gandalf ain't coming by anytime soon with some kind of mutant eagle the size of a Winnebago to fly your sorry hobbit ass back to the Shire. Tough breaks, buddy. Say hi to your dead junkie sister for us.
For the record, I can live with Lynn going out in a blaze of patriotic sacrifice and valor. I mean, it was his fucking fault the nerve gas got into CTU in the first place. Taking a Centox nap for the team was the LEAST he could do.
But, killing off Tony??? You BASTARDS!!!
2. And, lending credence to the old adage, "When it rains, it pours.", it now looks like the Department of Homeland Security will be taking over control of all CTU operations.
Well, isn't that fucking great? We saw how well it worked the last time a suit was sent in to run things (see point #1).
Can we expect the fine folks at TSA to take over the security screening checkpoint at the front door now? OK, so it's not like they'd do any worse a job than the retired Wal-Mart security guards in the red shirts, but still.
TSA Goon: Listen up, people, nail clippers and cigarette lighters are now forbidden at CTU. They'll have to be checked at the armory, along with your rifles and handguns. Thank you for your cooperation.
Mr. Manning, we'll need to take your...
Curtis: GRRRRRR!!!
Goon: Um...never mind.
And, if that meddling bitch from Homeland Security even thinks about shitcanning Chloe, there's gonna be trouble.
Dim-witted (yet Ivy League-educated, I'm sure) DHS broad: Hi, Miss O'Brien, is it? Um...you're fired.
Chloe (jonesing like you read about for an M4 with a 30-round magazine): Excuse me? I'm what? You're firing me? Drop dead, bitch! I've personally killed infinitely more terrorist scumbags than you could ever dream of. So, why don't you do us all a big fucking favor and crawl off somewhere to get laid? It'll do you a world of good. And, yeah, I know the only reason I can say that now is that I finally got a little wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am last night for the first time since my sophomore year in college. OK, so that one doesn't really count, seein' as I was passed out blind on Peachtree Schnapps at the time. And, yeah, maybe my metrosexual boytoy, Spencer, was hung like an anorexic guinea pig and couldn't find my hoochie with a fucking road map and a Surefire flashlight. But fuck you, anyway! I'm Chloe Fucking O'Brien! You wanna make something of it? Just give me a reason, and I'll show you the real meaning of "opening up a new socket", bitch!
DHS Broad: Miss O'Brien, that's...
Chloe: Jack. Kill her.
3. Nice work by Henderson, snapping out of that coma there.
Two words, people: WRIST RESTRAINTS!
Be sure to buy his new book - "How to Fake a Drug-Induced Coma (While Actually Being Drug-Induced) in Six Easy Steps". Impress your friends! Great for cocktail parties. Available now through amazon.com or at your favorite local bookstore.
4. I gotta ask. Does the hood actually help Jack make his way around in the dark better, or is some Obi-Wan "thing", which I have no business questioning?
5. OH, MY GOD! Terrorists have just released deadly, corrosive nerve gas (which apparently has no effect on human skin) inside CTU! Quick, someone call a clinical psychologist!
