Thursday, February 22, 2007

Sending in the Cavalry


OCONOMOWOC, Wis. (AP) -- A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."

According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock.

Not the sharpest tool in the drawer there, I'd say.

Kicking in someone's front door, for whatever reason, while brandishing a weapon is a good way to get yourself killed. At least, in those parts of the country where the government recognizes and respect's a citizen's right to defend himself against armed home invaders, that is.

Contesting his neighbor's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.

"I had the sword extended. But that was all," he said.

Try that shit in my house, jackass, and I'll give you a free, and much-needed, tutorial on the definition of the word "threaten". Not to mention, the words "jacketed" and "hollow-points".

UPDATE: So much for the argument, in this case, that there simply wasn't enough time to call 911.

But if Van Iveren was attempting to rescue what he thought was a woman in danger he was "obnoxiously late," said Stieghorst, who said he watched the movie between 1 and 2:30 a.m., but Van Iveren did not burst into his apartment until about 11:30 a.m.

Swordboy's got some 'splaning to do.

And, just because it's such a great quote...

Stieghorst, who said he has lived in his small downtown apartment for five years, said he was watching an adult DVD in Spanish called "Casa de Culo." He said the movie has no screaming that would suggest to someone a woman was in danger.

"It's all in Spanish, and I don't understand a word of it," he said. "I only bought it for the hot chicks."

As opposed to the rest of his porn DVD's, the purchases of which were undoubtedly based on gripping storylines (no pun intended), character development, and cutting-edge cinematography.